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DIARY OF THE WORST JEDI IN THE GALAXY

As a fun project with my son I have decided to embark on my first fan fiction. I had the idea of a kind of Diary of a Wimpy Kid meets the Worst Witch in the Star Wars galaxy. I have written the words. My son is adding the pictures. My wife has edited it a bit. I’m still tweaking as I go so some of the names/words may change.

A LONG TIME AGO 

IN A GALAXY FAR FAR AWAY….

 

DAY ONE:

 

Today was my first day at the Jedi Academy and I was so nervous my tendrils were flapping all over the place. That always happens when I get nervous. I’m Aseel by the way, but I guess you already know that since you’re my diary.

The day began with Master Yoda doing an assembly for all the Year One Younglings. It took place in the big hall and Yoda told us all the school rules and told us what to expect from our first year at the academy. He also suggested that we keep a diary which is why I’m writing this.

“Keep a diary, you should think about. A good way of ensuring you are being mindful of the living force, it can be.”

I suppose he talks like that because he’s so wise but it can make it hard to know what he’s talking about sometimes.

I also made a friend. His name is Chagrow and he’s a wookie. Actually he’s half wookie, half human, meaning I can understand him – which is handy because I can’t even spell Syhriwo Shyriw Shyriiwook, let alone speak it.

After assembly, we met our form master, whose name is Anthral Barftwice. He’s a Bothan and he seems to be really nice. He told us that our days will be split into four different subjects to begin with. They are History/Theory, Physical Agility (PA), Force Mindfulness and Rock Lifting.

As soon as he said this, a hand shot straight up. The hand belonged to an Iridonian Zabrak sitting at the front of the class.

“Yes, Youngling Keeth Koth,” said our form master.

“Excuse me, Master Barftwice,” he said. “What about lightsabre skills and Jedi mind tricks?”

I thought Master Barftwice look irritated as he replied, “Your father may be a well-regarded member of the Jedi Council but you are not. Jedis must learn to walk before they run and you cannot even crawl. You will learn how to wield a sabre during Physical agility but you are a long way off using the real thing.”

Master Barftwice then took his out and turned it one, which was pretty awesome. His is green. I hope I get a green one but you can never tell what you’re going to get apparently.

We were all staring at the lightsabre except for Keeth, who closed his eyes and stuck out his hand and made his pencil case lift up in the air.

Master Bartwice turned his lightsabre off and said, “Youngling Koth, stop it once.”

Keeth Koth lowered the pencil case.

“Patience is one of the virtues you will learn under the guidance of myself, Master Yoda and the other Jedi Masters who will be overseeing your lessons,” he said.

“I’ve already learned Patience,” said Keeth. “I don’t want to be kept back just because this lot couldn’t lift a pebble.”

“No one will be held back but nor shall any of us move faster than our feet can move us. Yes, Youngling Aseel.”

I was surprised to hear my name. I hadn’t put my hand up. Then I realised it wasn’t my hand. It was my tendril. Sometimes it just shoots up and I have no idea why. Everyone was looking at me and I should have explained but I panicked so I blurted out “Can I go to the toilet please?” even though I didn’t need to go to the toilet.

“Yes, of course. Second on the left,” said Master Barftwice.

I left the room then hung around a bit before going back inside, wishing I didn’t do stupid things like that.

When I got back to my desk, there was an envelope waiting for me. Everyone had one.

“Youngling Aseel,” said Master Barftwice. “As I have just been explaining to the rest of the class, in front of you are the results of your Midi-chlorian bloodtest. As you know, these determine how much the force flows through you – how strong you are with the force. To give you an indication of what your results mean, you must have at least 10,000 Midi-chlorians per cell to be allowed into the academy. Master Yoda has a reading of 18,000. Mine is closer to 15,000. Both Yoda and myself are aware of your result but it is up to you whether you want to share this information. A wise jedi would choose never to open the envelope, but this is your choice to make. Having a high count can lead to arrogance. The discovery that your levels are low can cause despondency and lack of ambition. But, the truth is that these microscopic intelligent lifeforms are only one indicator of how high you will rise in our ranks. But, the decision of yours.”

Almost every other Youngling was tearing open their envelopes. Chagrow was carefully tearing his with his long, claw-like fingernail.

He peaked at the result and sighed. “14,343,” he whispered. “Could be worse.”

Keeth Koth had torn his open and was now telling everyone who would listen that his reading was over 17,000. “You see, I knew mine would be high. The force is strong in my family. My father has it. His father’s father had it. His father’s father’s father had it.”

“So long as he doesn’t give to me,” whispered Chagrow, making me giggle.

“Never assume that a high count is a measure of your greatness,” said Master Barftwice. “There have been many great Jedi Knights and Masters with below average counts, whereas those with high counts are more prone that others to being taken by the Dark Side.”

The whole class went quiet. It was the first time that day anyone had mentioned the Dark Side. These days, they were always talking about some mysterious Sith Lord or other on the Galactic News and everyone was getting jittery. Chagrow said that was why Yoda had brought in Master Barftwice to help with the teaching because he was always having to fly off to fight Siths and what have you.

“But you should not concern yourself with such things now,” said Master Barftwice. “It is play time and I need to remind you that the use of Jedi powers unsupervised is strictly forbidden for younglings. If you’re playing hide and seek there is to be no cheating by sensing each other’s presence.” He threw Keeth Koth a stern glance. “After the bell, it will be time for Jedi History.”

Everyone got up and started piling out into the playground.

“Are you going to open yours then?” said Chagrow, noticing that I was still clutching the envelope.

“Master Barftwice said the wisest Jedi wouldn’t,” I replied.

“Yeah, but everyone did. And Yoda knows his so he must have found out. Come on, don’t you want to know?”

“I suppose I am a bit curious,” I said.

“Yeah, what have you got to lose? I’ll bet you’re just average like me. I think that’s probably best. That Keeth Koth’s got Sith Lord written all over him.”

A voice in my head was telling me not to, but I didn’t want to disappoint Chagrow and I suspected that he was right. It would probably be average so I opened the envelope and looked.

“So? What does it say?” asked Chagrow.

I stared at the number then closed it and shoved it into my back pocket. “Yeah, like you said, pretty average. Just a couple below yours.”

“See? You’re fine,” said Chagrow. “Now, let’s go and play on the anti-grav roundabout.”

I tried to smile as I followed him but I couldn’t. I had lied about my result. I scored 10,001 – that’s just ONE TEENY WEENY midi-chlorian above the minimum to be let into the Academy at all. It was only day one and I was already the weakest, least Force-y Jedi in the Academy. So that’s what this is. It’s the diary of THE WORST JEDI IN THE ENTIRE GALAXY!

THE WORST JEDI IN THE ENTIRE GALAXY!

 

DAY ONE (Continued)

I hope all my days aren’t going to take this long to write up. My hand is exhausted, but I’ve still only told you up until break time. After that we came back in and had a history lesson, which mostly involved learning what the force was called in all the different worlds. Did you know that the Mist-Weavers were using it long before the Republic even existed and that they called it the Luminous Mist? That’s a pretty cool name but I don’t think I could say ‘May the Luminous Mist be with you’ without laughing.

I thought it was interesting, but I could see Keeth Koth fidgeting and when he saw me looking, he used his powers to send a note to my desk. I was really scared about being told off by the teacher so I was really careful about opening it. I felt sick when I read what he had written: WHAT IS YOUR NUMBER?

I ignored it even though I could feel his red eyes burning into me but it meant that when we went into lunch he came scuttling over to ask.

“So?” he said. “What’s you number?”

“What’s it got to do with you, Keeth Koth?” said Chagrow.

“Oh look, a talking rug,” said Keeth.

I don’t know if Chagrow said something in Sihrywo Shyry Shyriiwook or just roared in response but it sent Keeth Koth running off towards the hall.

“Thank you,” I said.

“You should just tell him then he won’t bother you,” he replied.

“I suppose,” I admitted, wishing no one had ever discovered about stupid midi-chlorians in the first place. (I mean, it’s not like knowing they exist makes any difference to anyone.)

Lunch was pretty uneventful except it turns out that Jedi food isn’t much better than the food they used to serve at the orphanage, which was disappointing. After lunch, we had to do theory, which I also found interesting because it was all about how the force is created by all living things but I could tell that everyone (including Chagrow) was drifting off by the end.

Our day finished with Physical Agility (or P.A.) which was fun because we got to run around an assault course, but after we had run around four or five times I got tired so Master Barftwice said I could sit out.

I felt embarrassed because no one else looked even slightly tired so I tucked myself onto the edge of a bench when a man appeared in a long-hooded cloak. Being the Jedi academy, long hooded cloaks aren’t exactly rare, except they’re usually brown and this one was black. I couldn’t see the face but he spoke in a hoarse whisper.

“Master Barftwice, I trust the new Younglings are looking up to scratchsh…”

If all this is making you think that a Sith Lord had somehow snuck into the Jedi Academy, don’t worry. It wasn’t anything like that.

“High Councillor Joxum,” said Master Barftwice. “To what do we owe the pleasure of this unexpected visit?”

“As the Minister for Education I am charged with overseeing the wellbeing of all younglings on Coruscant.”

“The Jedi Academy doesn’t fall under your jurisdiction,” replied Master Barftwice.

“Although the specifics of the curriculum are.. BLAH BLAH BLAH…”

He didn’t actually say blah blah blah but I kind of zoned out at this point because they were both using long words. To be honest, they lost me at ‘jurisdiction’.

But then Joxum said something I did understand.
“Remember,” he said, “Supreme Councillor Palpatine has said that whoever comes top of the class this year will be fast-tracked and earn a position working in the senate itself.”

“Ridiculous,” said Master Barftwice. “These are younglings. They will not achieve their potential for many years. They must become padawans before they are bestowed the title of Jedi knight.”

“These are precarious times,” said Joxum. “And such times call for bold decisions. And this is the decision that Palpatine has made. I wonder which one it will be.”

I wondered if Joxum was watching Keeth Koth but I couldn’t be sure and then he swung around and marched off. I didn’t tell anyone what I’d heard. In fact, you’re the first person I have told and you’re not even a person. You’re just a diary. Good night.

 

DAY TWO

 

So it’s official. I HATE Keeth Koth… Or I would if I was allowed to hate. Unfortunately, today Yoda gave an assembly in which he said:

“Fear, despair & hatred. To the dark side, these feelings will lead.”

So I’m not even allowed to hate Keeth Koth.

Instead, I’ve decided I really dislike him a lot. Yoda didn’t mention whether ‘really disliking a lot’ leads to the dark side but I can’t see how it can because lots of people dislike things. I really dislike Dried kelp strip sandwiches and, only today I saw General Kenobi, while having lunch with Yoda in the canteen, say, “Yuk! I really do dislike Bespinian Onions.”

“A bad choice, you made,” said Yoda. “Aldaraanian Sausages you should have chosen.”

But I’m wondering off the point.

Here is why I really dislike Keeth Koth.

Today at Jedi Academy, we started off with an hour of meditation, during which he kept flicking pencils at me – using his Jedi skills. (I wish I had jedi skills like that but I can’t even pick up a pea never mind a pencil).

After that, we had a lesson about the galaxy. Master Barftwice asked a question about Outer Rim planets and I got Tatooine mixed up with Dantooine. It was an easy enough mistake but Keeth Koth thought it was hilarious and didn’t stop going on about it all through playtime and lunch.

Then, in the afternoon, we had our first lightsabre skills lesson and guess who got picked to train with me? Only Keeth flipping Koth. That’s who!

“It’s pathetic that we have to practice with these wooden sticks,” he said.

I tried to ignore him. Master Barftwice had told us to hold our practice sticks lightly but firmly in both lands. “Feel its weight and allow its movements to be guided by the living force that flows through you,” he said.

Except, it’s hard to allow anything to be guided by anything when someone keeps attacking you with their lightstick.

“Come on, let’s fight,” said Keeth Koth.

“No,” I replied. “We’re not supposed to.”
“We’re not supposed to,” he mimicked.

Looking around the class, everyone was doing what we had been told. I looked enviously at Chagrow, who had been partnered up with a Rodian called Bolgu.

WHACK!

Keeth Koth attacked again, but this time he caught my tendril and it really hurt. I mean REALLY HURT! They’re actually very sensitive which is why I got… I don’t want to say angry because anger also leads to the dark side. But I did get very irritated and annoyed, which is why I retaliated. I know I shouldn’t have and I regretted it as soon as I did it – not least because Master Barftwice saw me.

“Youngling Aseel,” he said. “You will return your lightstick and go to see Master Yoda.”

“Ha,” said Keeth Koth.

“And you will also go with him, Youngling Keeth Koth.”

“What?”

“It takes two to fight,” said Master Barftwice. “And you will explain your actions to Yoda.”
That’s right. I was sent to see Yoda on my second day. I was so angry furious annoyed. Neither of us spoke on the way and I got the feeling Keeth Koth was fed up too. When we got to the door to Yoda’s office, he turned to me and said, “You’d better not dob me in. You attacked me.”

“You attacked me first,” I said.

“I was just trying to get you to fight.”

This was a stupid thing to say, which made me feel even worse that I couldn’t think of a good response. Luckily, that’s when the door swung open and Yoda said, “Enter now, you can.”
Yoda’s office is pretty awesome. It’s got great big glass windows and you can see for miles around and Yoda doesn’t have any furniture except for a cushion, which he was sitting on cross-legged.

“Why you have been sent to my office?” he asked.

“Master Barftwice sent us because Aseel attacked me with a lightstick when we were lightsabre training,” said Keeth Koth.

“The reason why, that is not,” said Yoda.

Seriously. He is very hard to understand sometimes, but this was extra confusing because even the right way around I didn’t understand what he meant.

“Sorry, Master Yoda,” I said. “We don’t know what you mean.”

“Long is the journey ahead,” said Master Yoda. “Winding is the road. Hard to see is your destination. Tired you will get on this journey. Your first steps, these are.”

I was beginning to wonder if Master Yoda was feeling all right, because sounded a bit weird – even for him.

“Confused you are both looking,” he said. “But your futures I can sense. Although many clouds there are, I see such brightness ahead for you both. When taking ones first steps, it only takes a minor mistake to throw off your ultimate destination by many miles. Dwell on this, you must. Finished have I.”

And he closed his eyes.

And we just stood there, looking at him with his legs crossed and his eyes closed until we left the room.

It was weird. I think I sort of know what he means but it still seems unfair because I just wanted to do what I was told.

And that is why I really really really dislike Keeth Koth.

 

 

 

 

 

 


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